I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Randomize
