I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize