I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
