dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
