You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Randomize
