Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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