38 yer olds are good kisserssss
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
You're breaking my sexual little heart
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
