Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
there's paper in my vomit.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
