cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Randomize
