I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
She's not a foreskin expert like you
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
