like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
