if you like me you must not know who I am
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
