tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
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