Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
