There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Less talking, more tequila
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
