So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
