my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
