It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
