he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
