A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
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