Joe is yelling at the trees again.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
