haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
