after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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