I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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