my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Randomize
