you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
