even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
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