i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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