when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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