Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
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