Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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