The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
