Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
