She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Randomize
