So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
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