Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
