How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
