Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Randomize
