the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
