it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
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