the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Randomize
