Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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