Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
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