hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Randomize
