watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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