I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Randomize
