My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Randomize
