You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
