I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
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