1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
