Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
