This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
