Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
Randomize
