He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Hello my rib-scented angel!
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