I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
