I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
In America we eat man semen.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
my poor anus
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize