Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
