i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
You ruined the universe
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
