Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
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